Conflict resolution is all about building and rebuilding trust between people. Trust is built through communication. We get to know, understand, and predict one another’s intentions and behaviors through communication, including the way we speak, write, our gestures, and facial expressions.
We need to really get to know people; that is, we must communicate with individuals as often and as authentically as possible while doing our best to avoid assuming things.
The key to conflict resolution is learning to communicate in ways that clearly indicate respect, honor diversity and uniqueness, identify shared goals and values, and discount misconceptions, misinterpretations, and perceived threats.
1. Use the DESC script
DESC stands for Describe, Express, Specify, and Consequences. Here’s how it works.
DESCRIBE – Describe the behavior/situation as completely and objectively as possible. Just the facts!
“Paul, for the last few weeks, you have been ignoring all my suggestions in the weekly team meetings. I’ve noticed this ever since I was made the senior manager.”
EXPRESS – Express your feelings or thoughts about the behavior/situation. Try phrasing your statements using “Ï” and not “You”. Beginning sentences with You often puts people on the defensive, which means they won’t listen to you.
“I want to let you know that I feel both disappointed and angry. Disappointed, because I have always liked working with you and angry because I feel like the enemy here and it’s making me look bad.”
SPECIFY – Specify what behavior/outcome you would prefer to happen.
“I am asking you to consider our shared projects and to put the betterment of the team and company first.”
CONSEQUENCES – Specify the consequences if this happens. (Both positive and negative)
“This way we can work together as a team and it will be best for all of us.”
2. Use empathy
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. As conflict often arises from a difference in points of view, showing the other person you are capable of understanding their viewpoint will help to diffuse the situation. How to be more empathetic to someone?
Express empathy – “I understand you are disappointed.”
Rephrase what the other person just said – “I know you wanted to attend the seminar.”
Acknowledge the other person’s need – “The seminar would have been useful for you.”
Specify your own needs – “There were only a few seats available and I also needed the report you worked so hard on.”
Tell them that their reasoning is valid and you would have acted in the same way – “I would have been disappointed as well if I were in your place.”
Create a positive link to the future – “You will be the priority for the next seminar.”
3. Use “I” statements
Frame messages in terms of you and your feelings and not them or theirs. “I” statements are useful in conflict resolution because they allow the other person to understand what you are thinking and feeling without them feeling like they are necessarily the one to blame. Whereas, if you tell someone that it’s “your” fault, it will immediately put them on the defensive.
For example, instead of saying “You make me feel angry”, you could say, “I feel angry when you say that because I interpret it to mean that I caused the problem.”
By using expressions with “I”, you will avoid conflicts that could arise when the other person feels you are accusing them.
4. Use verbal communication
Do not communicate in writing when you are angry. For example, avoid responding via email. If you have no other choice, do not use bold or underline, which will come across as extremely aggressive.
Similarly, if you write in capitals and use exclamation marks, you may as well be shouting.
Never respond to an unpleasant email when you are emotional. Give yourself time to think and, if you feel the need, get a third party to read your response. Do not forget that once you have put something in writing, you cannot take it back.
Written communication can also introduce misunderstandings as people have different writing styles and your email can be easily misunderstood. So, to resolve conflict, try to use as much verbal communication as possible.
5. Active listening
To actively listen, remain quiet, and focus on what the other person is saying. When you are actively listening, the other person will feel that you are a friend and not an enemy.
Two forms of active listening include reflective listening and paraphrasing.
In reflective listening, you summarize out loud the key elements you heard, focusing on their underlying feelings, interests, and needs. Paraphrasing is also a way of summarizing what you heard, but the focus is more on the verbal content and where a few key points need to be addressed to solve the issue.
Experience shows that it is often possible to resolve a conflict without even needing to negotiate if both parties are able to express themselves and listen to the other party.
6. Passive listening
Sometimes, people just want to be heard. They don’t need an explanation or an answer. They just need you to listen. For example, if the person is in a defensive or emotional state and anything you say could be taken the wrong way, it is better just to listen with a few subtle indications of attention.
Subtle indications of attention could include nodding your head or changing your facial expression to show empathy or making small vocal gestures.
7. Adjusting body language
Experiments by Albert Mehrabian in the late 1960s decoded inconsistent messages in communication. For example, if someone states that they are not angry but display anger in their tone and body language, the receiver will trust the predominant communication.
As per Mehrabian’s Rule, communication is 93 percent body language and tone (55 percent and 38 percent respectively) and only 7 percent content (what is being said).
So when it comes to communication, body language plays a huge role. It is important to not display aggression or indifference. You want to appear calm and confident ( even if you don’t feel like it). Keep your hands open, relaxed, and where they can be seen.
Even if it feels awkward, let your hands fall to your sides and very subtly turn them outwards towards the other person. These subtle gestures subconsciously indicate that you are open, present, and looking for a resolution.
8. Body positioning
Similar to body language, we might also consider how we stand or sit relative to the person with whom we are communicating. We don’t want to position ourselves in a way that communicates aggression or indifference.
Sitting with someone is better than standing because it makes everyone feel more relaxed, whereas standing can create tension. Make sure you are sitting at equal levels with nothing between you.
When helping others resolve a conflict or facilitating a difficult conversation, set up a triangle or circle of chairs. The more circular and less rectangular the shape is the better. circles make for more inclusive and fluid conversations.
9. Vocal tone
Use a calm, empathetic and confident vocal tone. You are too quiet or robotic, it indicates indifference or inattention.
For example, when having a conversation with someone who is upset, think of yourself as a caretaker. Think of the tone you would use to manage this pained individual.
When having conversations with others, we want to establish the feeling that we are on the same team, rather than on opposing sides. Mirroring is a technique you can use to accomplish this. In this technique, you do your best to reflect the other person’s communication style, including their body language, tone, vocal pace, volume, and speech patterns. However, you might not want to mimic them especially if they have special mannerisms.
Meeting others where they are is a generally important concept in communication theory, and mirroring others in conversations lets them know that we are with them.
11. Ask questions
Asking open-ended questions is important for allowing the other person to arrive at their own conclusions. For example, asking how they feel is more open and exploratory than asking them whether they feel sad. Because the latter is a yes-no question that presumes the emotion involved.
Ask in order to learn, not to coerce or convince or manipulate. When the other person answers, listen with the intent to understand.
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